Same ol'

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all





My mind is an effing rollercoaster, Its good, then it jst completley changes, and then keeps going round and round. But if i have realized anything, its that even still, i love daniel. I dont know if thats supposed to make me feel pathetic, or like a loyal person, i don't really know at all. But i love him, and thats what i feel. I admire him, and miss him. People can say what a ((fill in the blank)) person he is, but even still, i think of him as wonderul. And that sucks, cause somebody else is making him 'happy' right now. I dont know how hes feeling or anything like that, i'd like to think that me misses me and sometimes just thinks about me, and wants me or misses me., as much as i do him. I think he does. But i think hes 'preoccupied'.
Then i keep wishing that i could kinda be older...but, its all based on the unknows, and what good does that do me? He makes me happy. But at the same time i feel pretty crappy, because why, ohh of course.. theres another. I dont want to get into all of it though, Its way to much.
Ahh man, sometimes i just wish that there was something connected to my brain to just immediatley write what i think. I am starting a new journal. Because i do have to expericence this time in my life, and writing is always theraputic for me.Which means i should blog more.
Even if they dont all make sense.
Whatev


too bad its not that dang easy..

Jenna says i need to blog, as i havent in forever, so here goes. My attempt to understand things that are going on right now.

Holy Crap, life came out from behind me and showed me what its really like. My whole life, ive been wanting to grow up, measuring my life but what big events coming up,the age ill start middle school, high school, when i can date, drive, move out, etc. Pretty much, events where i can claim more freedom then i previously had. But now im at that age, and its crazy!!

Dont get me wrong, i wasnt just living for these things, i lived for each day, and i know not to wish my time away, but its so crazy, that i wanted this so bad, and now i feel akward about it. Im growing up. Its scary, beautiful, difficult, but rewarding. I love working and such, but it makes me think of a different day, when i could go anywhere at anytime! (im making myself sound so old!) but seriousley, its like all that happened, in how much time!! Dang.
But also, im wondering if im crazy, well not like psychotic crazy, but like oblivious to nature and wonder why i do things type of crazy.

Is it soo wrong to care about somebody so much, that you want things to go ahead. That you really do LOVE the person(like genuine love, even if its not including romance), so when you love them, you want them to be happy, to have what they want, you want whats best, even though of course you know its not always the best, but whatev.When all you want is that person to be the best that they can be, so you put their needs before your wants. Letting them have the space to become who they need to be, to live their life right. To learn what God has in store for them. So you have to push yourself out, because you do care and love them, you have to feel crappy sometimes, to give them what is best. Should you be honest and straightforward, and say heyy, heres the deal. This sucks. Or do you continue, because its whats 'right'. I have no idea. You want them to realize just how much you admire them, and that you care about them,you want them to realize everything they mean to you, what they have taught you, you want them to actually UNDERSTAND why you do those certain things for them. But nothing sucks more, then knowing that they most likely dont really notice it in that light.

Heres your chance to really know.

My whole life, i dont know, looking back on it, its amazing, so undescribable. But i think about the past, and take what i need from it, to help my future. Ive always heard the saying,
'If a boy makes you feel closer to god, to have a stronger desire to deepen your relationship with god, then its probably a god thing. Like a signal, saying this is okay'

Apparently realistically, this isnt true. I can say, this boy, hes amazing. And its not the boy himself that makes me feel closer to god, but the way that he lives his life, for god, and only for him. The way he takes the bad, and still lives the life he leads. So convicted for the life he ultimatley wants to live, and that makes me wonder why i havent felt that for so long? Was it my distancing my self? Was it a cover, to seem faithful, but in my head wonder about everything? That god really wanted me to become real, to delcare my own faith?

The past two weeks, ive felt so amazing. Like a 'spiritual high' almost. I have NEVER felt closer to god,my bible has never been used soo much, i never knew that i knew so many verses, and they constantly run through my head, as something to guide me through my day. To calm my fear, of giving up control to god. It helps me to know theres soo much that is bigger then me, and this life...well this is only the beginning. But anyhow, its not this boy alone, but life he leads. Now you may think, ohh she could just be saying that because she wants it to be 'right' or whatever. Or because i want to look good and spiritual, like a clean christan.

Pshh, nothing is father from the truth. I am pleased to say, i'm finally a hundred percent not ashamed of my faith,
im ready to defend it, not to look good, but to really live for god.

Just in the past two weeks, ive grown immensley. Its crazy, and im excited to see the rest of what gods got for me, although its scary to but all your trust in him, im learning, i have to. Itd be wrong to live to please 2 masters. =]]

Im happy now.


{Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better then yourselves.-Phillipians 2:3 }