Confusing stuff!!
Category: Blogging
I dont know if i can even write a blog that would make much sense at all, because quite frankly, i can't make sense of all this stuff in my head. Hence the blog.
Latley, i just feel as though, my life is a blur. Im happy, then sad, confused and all mixed up. Its like i have to remind myself to try to be happy, and that really sucks.
I know that i am an extremely blessed person, i have a family, a house, great friends, a job, and possesions, but in the midst of all that, somehow i can still feel so incredibly lonely. I am coming to accept that i do struggle with depression, and that kinda sucks, but as odd as it is, i see some beauty in it, it gives me a stronger desire to help people, and make things worth it.
I wonder if thats where i find my sense of worth?
I also, have come to realize, yet again that i am amazing at covering up pain,and personal suffering, yet i am so honest to my friends, and i wear my heart on my sleeve, but i wonder if that just makes me too vulnerable. I dont know what i was thinking when i thought being vulnerable was a beautiful thing, eighty percent of the time that i let myself be vulnerable, it always comes back to screw me over, it really just makes me want to put up such strong walls, because i dont want it to continue happening, but i am not really that type of person, im open, and i want people to appreciate that, apparently things that i think are good qualities, like open-ness, and brutal honesty, arent what people see as good, nor do they appreciate.
Which leads me to my desire for a new BF, i just want a real one. Not a jerk. Not somebody who i can temporarily satisfy til the 'next best thing' comes along, but somebody who accepts me, sees who i am, and still thinks im wonderful, somebody who knows i struggle with being happy, somebody i can dress up for and go out with late at night just to do nothing, somebody who can actually see me...Somebody with vaules, and morals. Somebody who cares, and wants to help people, and not somebody who says they are all these things, just because they want the girl....but a genuine person.
Maybe i'll be blessed with one of those soon.
=/
Nice ranting blog i suppose.
Nothing close to whats in my head, more blogs to come i guess.
[[actually thats a goal, to blog every day or so...i think it would actually be helpful for me.]]
