I came home from work tonight into my new little "house", and i saw that somebody was watching Lilo and Stitch in here and happened to leave it on.
Although i dont particularly like people in my areas- im glad that it was on- it helped me think about something- and helped me to write! =]
You know how little adorable Lilo always says, "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind. -Or forgotten!"
Well, nobody is being left behind or forgotten. But it made me think- while my family is having trouble with eachother on sooo many different levels- that when every thing is broken down, and just simple- We ARE a family.
I love my family. Its not perfect- its far from it. But ultimately it is the most important thing!! God blessed me with each of these unique people to be in my family- so why would i ever want to lose that? As i've grown- family has become more and more important to me and im sure it will continue to be that way- especially when it comes time to have my own family.
Family becomes a part of who you are. You don't choose your family. You are blessed with them- and them with you.
For me- you dont abandon family. you dont blame family. you love, reconcile, and forgive- you keep going as a family... and nobody gets left behind. =)
I wouldnt trade my family for the world:
I am going to write a few lovely things about each person in my family:
My Dad- He is the most Generous person i know. He has such an amazing strength in the Lord, and passion for the Lord. He is a leader, a good leader. An abundant supplier and provider. He is smart and willing. Experienced, and humble.He's my father. He's irreplaceable. A blessing.
My Momma- She has inner strength like no other. She is so committed to her role as a wife and mother. She is a good planner and care taker. She bends over backwards and makes everything work some how. She creates beautiful things. She writes like i do. We think alike sometimes. She likes talking to me, and spending time with me. She enjoys the little things, and finds god's hand in the smallest of things. She represents such great hope and peace and love. I know she would love that. =] But its very very true.
Daniel- He cares, and knows how to handle most everything. He's experienced in life, and can share is wisdom. He's a peacekeeper. He can create some of the most beautiful photos. He is real. He can cook- soo well!! =] He's so enjoyable to be around. He's the only person that smells good while they smoke ( i dunno if its just that kind of ciggarettes or what!). His laugh- makes anybody smile. And he has such love for his family-and his beautiful wife Marissa.
Marissa- She is just happy and cheery! I love her! I love that she is soo unique! I love all her shoes and cute accessories! I love that the very minute she met our family she took a personal interest in each of us, and her very own sisters and brothers. I love that she loves being a Crowley. I love the fact that we get to keep growing closer as sisters as the years go by and by. =] I love that she is a wonderful and beautiful person- who is just so perfect for daniel! I love that shes my sister now!
Rhiannon- I love that you let yourself be vulnerable. I love that you want so much for your family. I like that you try to bring humor to tough situations. I like that you've encouraged me in so many different ways. I love your passion for life, and your stamina and endless supply of energy to keep going- whether or not you want to. I like that you try to keep a good attitude as much as you can. I like that you call me and say, "Hey sister, whats up!?" quite often! =]I love all your little babies- they are all so special to me. They are soo beautiful and lovely. i love watching them grow with one another, and i love to play with them! Im glad you have realized whats most important in your life, your family- with us, your husband and your children! Love you!
Steven- I like that you encourage me to make my life- whatever i want it to be. I like that you have a strong work ethic. I like that you find the smallest things humorous. And when you laugh like a silly girl during movies! I like that you can find a good medium between serious and relaxed. I like that you have 4 beautiful children to raise with rhiannon! And i like that you do whatever needs to be done- whenever it needs to be done. =]
Jenna- You are just a beautiful person! I love how you devote yourself to both matthew and silas- and your new baby. I love how you engage them with such love and interest. I like that you can be the strong one for me sometimes, when i just talk to you. I like when you share music with me- just because you think id like it. =] I like when you come over and we just talk. =] I like when we would always stay home during "starting over" hour- and quote all those commercials! =] I like that you are just such a wonderful sister to all of us. =]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is getting sooo long- im getting tired- and while id love to sit and write about my family, i have to be up tomorrow kinda early- so i will resume with mathhew and finish up with the family then! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.24.2010
8.09.2010
Summer Story...
Tonight i came onto my blog, pretty much aimlessly. I re read many of my posts, and realized how much i've grown up since i first started writing. How much ive learned, and experienced, and healed.
I realized just how much time has gone on, and how many signifigant things have happened during this short time.
When i first started writing, i was hurt and no longer knew who i was. I was lost. I was sad, and vulnerable. I was also young. As i grew, i learned things about change, about love. Life and hope.
Lessons, i'd trade for nothing.
I experieced death in my family, i found my self lost, and found- in Christ's love and compassion.
Now, older, after having been through all of these things, I know, I will always be okay- even when at the time you don't feel like you will ever be whole or okay again.
I know i am always blessed.
I know that i am loved- always.
I've found direction- a passion, and sense of purpose.
I'm where i want to be.
I know what i want for my forever.
I know hope, and i know peace.
I've learned that patience, mercy, and forgivness, take lots of practice.
I consider myself blessed to have learned these things.
Heres to the future- and embracing all that i can.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since i haven't written in such a long time, there are soo many different things ( about 4 months of things to cover!) Jeez!!
Lets see- where to begin?
Ohh well, in the end of May i think, I transferred to a new starbucks store. I'd thought it'd be better for me then my previous store, in some ways it was the right move. In other ways though, it was the worst thing. It's been a long and tedious journey- lots of stress, tears, and fear. Although i am taking care of everything and dealing with it as i should, this whole "process" has been quite an eye opener, but also an oppurtunity to be patient, and peaceful.
I've just been questioning lately- wheres the line? When do you stop being the "good person" and do what you need to do for yourself?
Mmm, well in June- I was accepted to California State University- San Bernardino. I wasn't really anxious about being accepted, as i was a transfer student and all. After many obstacles- i'm now fully admitted (rather than just conditionally) and registered. For awhile, i wasn't really even proud of myself for making it there, beause it just seems like one simple step up from VVC, where as all the people i've grown up with are moving away to arkansas, hawaii, connecticut, pennsylvania- all over!! I never considered moving, i never considered anything else.
However, I am really glad that I didnt consider anything else, and have ended up where i am at. I am happy where i am at,and i would never want to leave. I'm quite excited for my classes- i am passionate about my studies. Especially all my Human Development classes! =] I say that now, but we'll see what i say when the semester starts.
Not too much longer after that, my dear grandma- Donna K. Gerrits- got sick. Man, this lady is one of the strongest ladies i know. She had like 9 lives- i kid you not. Shes cheated death, time and time again. She got really sick, and had to have an emergency surgery. Doctors told her she was so weak that she might've not even made it out of surgery- let alone ever fully recover. Of course though- my stubborn and strong little grandma- did both. Eventually she was released to go home- and had been doing really well. Some had said that she was better then she'd been in a long long time. But soon after that she got sick again. My parents went down to the hospital and knew that this would probably be the last time- as her heart was weak and kept stopping. It was time for Grandma to go home. My dad told me that he watched as her heart started to slow down, and he held her hand- as if to comfort her in those last moments- he told her that he loved her. Kissed her, and let her go to the angels on June 23rd. My grandma- i've never really said much about her death since it happened. I tried to write- but i couldn't even finish writing in my journal about it. I'm okay. It's just not fully processed. I think of all these different memories when i think of her. Singing "feliz navidad" when she played the piano, her recitals. The most recent i remember ( which was the last time i'd seen her) She told me that i looked good, nice and healthy she'd said. She hugged me and told me that she was serious when i'd thanked her. She asked how i was doing in refrence to my illness, and i told her i'd been doing really well. She went on to tell me this story about a character in the bible who is so sick and sore. Yet has the faith to know that God will heal him, and that he will be okay!! Can you believe my grandmother compared me to that guy!? It's amazing! My grandma was such a blessing to have! But as life goes, as we all know it will- everybody has a time to go. My little sister wrote that "Christians are the only people who can truely celebrate death." And its true, Grandma is in Heaven!! Can you just imagine?
And although i havent fully processed and healed from her death, the priest that conducted her services, said something that really was special to me. He first explained my grandmas love and passion for music and the piano- and how most people dont understand all those black lines on the sheets- but from that- my grandma knew to make senese of all of that- and make something so beautiful. The preist had said,
"Learn to take all of these things that don't make any sense- these obstacles, these pains, sorrows,and challenges- learn to make them into something so beautiful."
R.I.P My dear Grandma. I'll keep tryin to live like that guy in the bible who had such faith and hope in the Lord!
During the same week that my grandma passed away, we had a family reunion ( for my moms side) going on. I chose to see this as God's hand in our situation, after losing a family member, what is better then surrounding yourself with such love and family? It was really great to see all of my family from that side, and get a little bit of distraction from everything, yet also get some healing, hope, love and support at the same time.
I have a great family!! I really do. It's amazing to see how we all come together in times like these.
Whoo- soo that was emotional!!
Alright- Now were in July! The month of Daniels wedding!! Yay!!
July 10th! What a day, i woke up early to finish all my homework for my classes so i could just enjoy my weekend. Seriously- i woke up at 5 on a saturday for that!! After i finished that, i realized that i needed cash for the money dance for later that night! My sister got up, and i asked her if she wanted to go the bank with me. So we left and went, took care of buisness, and headed on our way home- until my car pretty much lost control and ended up totalled!! Geez, what a damper on the day. It was soo scary,but praise god! were both totally fine- just bruises and burns! Honestly- we are both sooooo lucky to be alive! It could have been soo awful! Once again, god has a hand in everything. '
My wonderful boyfriends parents were the first ones to show up, and they were just really supportive and helpful, then my dad and sister showed up, and finally my boyfriend.
It was nice that they were all there for me to help me be okay with what was going on.
So after getting my car towed, and all that was taken care of- we all packed up our stuff and went down to the wedding!! It was a blast getting ready in the hotel room! And the wedding was soo much more fun!! The dancing and singing! And seeing sweet daniel and marissa!! (They were Beautiful!!) It was a super super great night!!
Alright, so later in July- there was the family reunion for my dads side. Which was a little weird without grandma, but it was wonderful to see all my family. It was a little bit sad that i had to come home for my school final ( it was sooo lonely and quiet at home by myself. I even cried once) but i know that my family had a wonderful time being together, and there are 1000's of pictures to show that!! Little siobhan is quite the photographer!! =]
Then school ended (Got an A!), and lifes gone a little bit smoother since then. Work is still stressful, and awkward, but hey- at least ive got a job! having no car is kinda a problem- but that'll be solved soon too. And school starts in the end of september!
So here's to maybe having a normal "summer" from here on out...
=]
I realized just how much time has gone on, and how many signifigant things have happened during this short time.
When i first started writing, i was hurt and no longer knew who i was. I was lost. I was sad, and vulnerable. I was also young. As i grew, i learned things about change, about love. Life and hope.
Lessons, i'd trade for nothing.
I experieced death in my family, i found my self lost, and found- in Christ's love and compassion.
Now, older, after having been through all of these things, I know, I will always be okay- even when at the time you don't feel like you will ever be whole or okay again.
I know i am always blessed.
I know that i am loved- always.
I've found direction- a passion, and sense of purpose.
I'm where i want to be.
I know what i want for my forever.
I know hope, and i know peace.
I've learned that patience, mercy, and forgivness, take lots of practice.
I consider myself blessed to have learned these things.
Heres to the future- and embracing all that i can.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since i haven't written in such a long time, there are soo many different things ( about 4 months of things to cover!) Jeez!!
Lets see- where to begin?
Ohh well, in the end of May i think, I transferred to a new starbucks store. I'd thought it'd be better for me then my previous store, in some ways it was the right move. In other ways though, it was the worst thing. It's been a long and tedious journey- lots of stress, tears, and fear. Although i am taking care of everything and dealing with it as i should, this whole "process" has been quite an eye opener, but also an oppurtunity to be patient, and peaceful.
I've just been questioning lately- wheres the line? When do you stop being the "good person" and do what you need to do for yourself?
Mmm, well in June- I was accepted to California State University- San Bernardino. I wasn't really anxious about being accepted, as i was a transfer student and all. After many obstacles- i'm now fully admitted (rather than just conditionally) and registered. For awhile, i wasn't really even proud of myself for making it there, beause it just seems like one simple step up from VVC, where as all the people i've grown up with are moving away to arkansas, hawaii, connecticut, pennsylvania- all over!! I never considered moving, i never considered anything else.
However, I am really glad that I didnt consider anything else, and have ended up where i am at. I am happy where i am at,and i would never want to leave. I'm quite excited for my classes- i am passionate about my studies. Especially all my Human Development classes! =] I say that now, but we'll see what i say when the semester starts.
Not too much longer after that, my dear grandma- Donna K. Gerrits- got sick. Man, this lady is one of the strongest ladies i know. She had like 9 lives- i kid you not. Shes cheated death, time and time again. She got really sick, and had to have an emergency surgery. Doctors told her she was so weak that she might've not even made it out of surgery- let alone ever fully recover. Of course though- my stubborn and strong little grandma- did both. Eventually she was released to go home- and had been doing really well. Some had said that she was better then she'd been in a long long time. But soon after that she got sick again. My parents went down to the hospital and knew that this would probably be the last time- as her heart was weak and kept stopping. It was time for Grandma to go home. My dad told me that he watched as her heart started to slow down, and he held her hand- as if to comfort her in those last moments- he told her that he loved her. Kissed her, and let her go to the angels on June 23rd. My grandma- i've never really said much about her death since it happened. I tried to write- but i couldn't even finish writing in my journal about it. I'm okay. It's just not fully processed. I think of all these different memories when i think of her. Singing "feliz navidad" when she played the piano, her recitals. The most recent i remember ( which was the last time i'd seen her) She told me that i looked good, nice and healthy she'd said. She hugged me and told me that she was serious when i'd thanked her. She asked how i was doing in refrence to my illness, and i told her i'd been doing really well. She went on to tell me this story about a character in the bible who is so sick and sore. Yet has the faith to know that God will heal him, and that he will be okay!! Can you believe my grandmother compared me to that guy!? It's amazing! My grandma was such a blessing to have! But as life goes, as we all know it will- everybody has a time to go. My little sister wrote that "Christians are the only people who can truely celebrate death." And its true, Grandma is in Heaven!! Can you just imagine?
And although i havent fully processed and healed from her death, the priest that conducted her services, said something that really was special to me. He first explained my grandmas love and passion for music and the piano- and how most people dont understand all those black lines on the sheets- but from that- my grandma knew to make senese of all of that- and make something so beautiful. The preist had said,
"Learn to take all of these things that don't make any sense- these obstacles, these pains, sorrows,and challenges- learn to make them into something so beautiful."
R.I.P My dear Grandma. I'll keep tryin to live like that guy in the bible who had such faith and hope in the Lord!
During the same week that my grandma passed away, we had a family reunion ( for my moms side) going on. I chose to see this as God's hand in our situation, after losing a family member, what is better then surrounding yourself with such love and family? It was really great to see all of my family from that side, and get a little bit of distraction from everything, yet also get some healing, hope, love and support at the same time.
I have a great family!! I really do. It's amazing to see how we all come together in times like these.
Whoo- soo that was emotional!!
Alright- Now were in July! The month of Daniels wedding!! Yay!!
July 10th! What a day, i woke up early to finish all my homework for my classes so i could just enjoy my weekend. Seriously- i woke up at 5 on a saturday for that!! After i finished that, i realized that i needed cash for the money dance for later that night! My sister got up, and i asked her if she wanted to go the bank with me. So we left and went, took care of buisness, and headed on our way home- until my car pretty much lost control and ended up totalled!! Geez, what a damper on the day. It was soo scary,but praise god! were both totally fine- just bruises and burns! Honestly- we are both sooooo lucky to be alive! It could have been soo awful! Once again, god has a hand in everything. '
My wonderful boyfriends parents were the first ones to show up, and they were just really supportive and helpful, then my dad and sister showed up, and finally my boyfriend.
It was nice that they were all there for me to help me be okay with what was going on.
So after getting my car towed, and all that was taken care of- we all packed up our stuff and went down to the wedding!! It was a blast getting ready in the hotel room! And the wedding was soo much more fun!! The dancing and singing! And seeing sweet daniel and marissa!! (They were Beautiful!!) It was a super super great night!!
Alright, so later in July- there was the family reunion for my dads side. Which was a little weird without grandma, but it was wonderful to see all my family. It was a little bit sad that i had to come home for my school final ( it was sooo lonely and quiet at home by myself. I even cried once) but i know that my family had a wonderful time being together, and there are 1000's of pictures to show that!! Little siobhan is quite the photographer!! =]
Then school ended (Got an A!), and lifes gone a little bit smoother since then. Work is still stressful, and awkward, but hey- at least ive got a job! having no car is kinda a problem- but that'll be solved soon too. And school starts in the end of september!
So here's to maybe having a normal "summer" from here on out...
=]
8.07.2010
Simple and Sweet
I love my boyfriend.
I think he is the greatest,
sweetest, most considerate, and adorable man ever!
I love you sweet boy!
That is all.
I think he is the greatest,
sweetest, most considerate, and adorable man ever!
I love you sweet boy!
That is all.
6.17.2010
Hope.
I read my moms post about hope, . It was really nice to see the things that she wrote about what gave her hope.
I wish i knew exactly the things that give me hope,
I think i find my hope, in people, in who they are, and in their attitudes about life.
I think i also find hope, in simple reminders, of my dear aunt. Who was so filled with hope.
My mom put this little teal star, hanging from my rearview mirror. She has the same teal star on her mirror, I bought it for her one night, i think it was Christmas Eve. I bought it along with some flowers, and a card, and i believe something else.
It makes me so happy to know that my mom gets so much pleasure, and so much hope out of something so simple and
small.
(This is a snowglobe, that i got her for this past christmas, i got the word 'hope' engraved into it, she cried when she opened it. Im glad that this is a very special and sentimental gift to her.)
(This is the one in my car, and there is one hangning in hers too.) =]
It makes me happier to know, that like my mother, small, nice things, just give me hope.
Hope for anything.
Hope for everything.
It helps to me see my blessings, and boy howdy i have many.
I have so much to be happy for.
So much to be grateful.
I'm okay.
I'm alive, and I'm blessed. 
(one day, when i can afford it, and when i figure out where i want it, i'm going to get this!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There is hope, for me yes, because God won't forget all the plans he's made for me, I have to wait and see, he's not finished with me yet. No, he's not finished with me yet."
6.08.2010
Disarray
My life, is soo unraganized right now.
After being so busy with midterms, and papers, and registering for the summer semester at VVC, and the fall semester at CSUSB..
It is finals week,(finally!).
I am so glad, because this has been thee worst semester of my college career.
I made a bad choice choosing to take all the hard classes at once: developmental psychology, critical thinking, biology, observation and assessment on young children, and then statistics- A 8 am monday statistics class at that!! Boo. =( never again!
I've been quite overwhelmed..
And needless to say, all of the other areas of my life, are so unorganized.
I dont remeber the last time I did a load of laundry, not that its a huge issue, with my extensive amount of clothes.
My car is soo dirty on the outside.
Its not just finals week that has gotten my life to the crazy point that it is now at.
The week before, I went to the emergency room, and i was just to drained, and drugged, and out of it, i couldnt do anything but sleep, lay there, and watch tv.
So now im stuck with about three loads of laundry, a car that needs washing, 2 finals to study for, and all these children (5) to watch for the night.
Ohh dear, so whats a girl to do?
Get crackin i guess!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, my laptop died last night, after i'd written that, but now i can say, that all that stuff is the opposite!
Whoo!
I took my finals today, and now this semester is finally over.
Yes, the worst semester of my life is now over!
=]
I couldn't be happier!
Laundry has started!
My car is washed, vaccumed, and armor-alled.
This are starting to get cleaner, straigtened out and more organized!
so yay for that!
now off to finish up that laundry, and my bedroom!
After being so busy with midterms, and papers, and registering for the summer semester at VVC, and the fall semester at CSUSB..
It is finals week,(finally!).
I am so glad, because this has been thee worst semester of my college career.
I made a bad choice choosing to take all the hard classes at once: developmental psychology, critical thinking, biology, observation and assessment on young children, and then statistics- A 8 am monday statistics class at that!! Boo. =( never again!
I've been quite overwhelmed..
And needless to say, all of the other areas of my life, are so unorganized.
I dont remeber the last time I did a load of laundry, not that its a huge issue, with my extensive amount of clothes.
My car is soo dirty on the outside.
Its not just finals week that has gotten my life to the crazy point that it is now at.
The week before, I went to the emergency room, and i was just to drained, and drugged, and out of it, i couldnt do anything but sleep, lay there, and watch tv.
So now im stuck with about three loads of laundry, a car that needs washing, 2 finals to study for, and all these children (5) to watch for the night.
Ohh dear, so whats a girl to do?
Get crackin i guess!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, my laptop died last night, after i'd written that, but now i can say, that all that stuff is the opposite!
Whoo!
I took my finals today, and now this semester is finally over.
Yes, the worst semester of my life is now over!
=]
I couldn't be happier!
Laundry has started!
My car is washed, vaccumed, and armor-alled.
This are starting to get cleaner, straigtened out and more organized!
so yay for that!
now off to finish up that laundry, and my bedroom!
3.27.2010
"It's a brand new day"
"It's A Brand New Day"-Joshua Radin
( Jenna, i think that you can appreciate this)
Some kind of magic, happens late at night.
When the moon smiles down, and bathes me in its light.
I fell asleep beneath you, in the tall blades of grass.
When i woke, the world was new.
I never had to ask.
Its a brand new day. The sun is shining,
It's a brand new day.
For the first time in such a long, long time
I know, I'll be okay.
Most kind of stories, save the best part for last.
Most stories have a hero who finds,
"You make your past, your past."
Yeah you make your past, your past.
It's a brand new day, the sun is shining.
It's a brand new day.
For the first time, in such a long, long time
I know, I'll be okay.
This cycle never ends.
You gotta fall, in order to mend.
It's a brand new day. It's a brand new day.
For the first time in such a long, long time
I know, I'll be okay.
I know, I'll be okay.
While you explore yourself, and search deep in your heart for happiness.
Breathe out.
Close your eyes.
Let go of the search, just be. Don't look.
Open your eyes, Open your heart.
Breathe in.
Refreshed, a new wind of hope.
A step forward.
"It's a brand new day.:
Another step forward.
"I know I'll be okay."
=]
I love this song.
I wish people could just listen, and let go, of all the planning, the chaos..
And stop searching for happiness,
Breathe for a second, and realize, you actually are happy.
=]
1.25.2010
changing plans.
Its been awhile since ive been able to write. Months. Its been a hard thing; theres so much stuck inside of me just wanting to be released somehow. I kept coming back to my blog, searching for some sort of inspiration, or reason to just start writing, but much to my dismay, there was nothing.
Tonight, i got a reason to write.
Today was just one of THOSE days. The days where you wish you could just stay in your bed all day, and not have to deal with plans and reality.
I woke up still sick and really sore; and that was no fun. But that was just the beginning.
Then i got into this argument with my really good friend. It was a really sad thing for me, cause ive never been one to fight. And ive never really been mad at a friend. So that was tough thing.
After that, i made a really awesome coffee cake, which seriously, was AWESOME!
Then i realized today, that my plans have to change. And i hate things going differently then i had planned. HATE IT! I just like knowing what to expect. But alas, my school plans are changing. Not by choice at all.
Theres this class- Math! That i just cant seem to pass for the life of me! Pathetic i know. Ohh well. But who knew that one single class, could change everything? Not me! It was going to change everything, and i wouldnt be able to transfer to CSUSB, like id been so excitedly anticipating. That was really quite a bummer. I cried. And i hate crying. And as lame as it is, i did LET that ruin alot of my day.
But not let it ruin my night.
after talking to a wonderful friend of mine about today and just life in general. She gave me this story to read. A story that is so incredible, i just love it. And what makes it even better is that she wrote this story herself. I'd read it before, and it just gave me so much home. And reading it again and again it does the same thing.
Its really great: http://endlessearth.blogspot.com/2008/02/sending-rain.html
SO AMAZING!
"Listen to me. I know you better then you know yourself."
So after reading that, i stepped back. And realized that God doesnt give us faith, but rather oppurtunities to be faithful. He doesnt give us patience, but rather oppurtunites to be patient.
"But what if you change my plans?"; "Maybe i'll provide something better."
Who was i to think i could control all of those crazy plans? Its wholly up to him, and its me who chooses how i respond to to that. I can fight, and be afraid. Or i can let it go, and hope and pray for peace.
I choose hope, and for peace about letting go control of my plans, of my life.
"You must trust that I know what’s best for you. You run, in fear, from the things that are the best for you, the things that I have given to change you and make you better. You must stop running. Do you even know where you are going?"
Thank you for the blessings. The hope. The direction. A place to turn, a place to seek and hide when im afraid. The shelter. The comfort.
Thank you for being my guidance, even when i seem to forget that you are still there.
And thank you my dear friend, for the inspiration and encouragement. I love you! =]
=]
Its all okay.And i know ill always be okay. I can let it go, and relax. I can find comfort and peace now.
Tonight, i got a reason to write.
Today was just one of THOSE days. The days where you wish you could just stay in your bed all day, and not have to deal with plans and reality.
I woke up still sick and really sore; and that was no fun. But that was just the beginning.
Then i got into this argument with my really good friend. It was a really sad thing for me, cause ive never been one to fight. And ive never really been mad at a friend. So that was tough thing.
After that, i made a really awesome coffee cake, which seriously, was AWESOME!
Then i realized today, that my plans have to change. And i hate things going differently then i had planned. HATE IT! I just like knowing what to expect. But alas, my school plans are changing. Not by choice at all.
Theres this class- Math! That i just cant seem to pass for the life of me! Pathetic i know. Ohh well. But who knew that one single class, could change everything? Not me! It was going to change everything, and i wouldnt be able to transfer to CSUSB, like id been so excitedly anticipating. That was really quite a bummer. I cried. And i hate crying. And as lame as it is, i did LET that ruin alot of my day.
But not let it ruin my night.
after talking to a wonderful friend of mine about today and just life in general. She gave me this story to read. A story that is so incredible, i just love it. And what makes it even better is that she wrote this story herself. I'd read it before, and it just gave me so much home. And reading it again and again it does the same thing.
Its really great: http://endlessearth.blogspot.com/2008/02/sending-rain.html
SO AMAZING!
"Listen to me. I know you better then you know yourself."
So after reading that, i stepped back. And realized that God doesnt give us faith, but rather oppurtunities to be faithful. He doesnt give us patience, but rather oppurtunites to be patient.
"But what if you change my plans?"; "Maybe i'll provide something better."
Who was i to think i could control all of those crazy plans? Its wholly up to him, and its me who chooses how i respond to to that. I can fight, and be afraid. Or i can let it go, and hope and pray for peace.
I choose hope, and for peace about letting go control of my plans, of my life.
"You must trust that I know what’s best for you. You run, in fear, from the things that are the best for you, the things that I have given to change you and make you better. You must stop running. Do you even know where you are going?"
Thank you for the blessings. The hope. The direction. A place to turn, a place to seek and hide when im afraid. The shelter. The comfort.
Thank you for being my guidance, even when i seem to forget that you are still there.
And thank you my dear friend, for the inspiration and encouragement. I love you! =]
=]
Its all okay.And i know ill always be okay. I can let it go, and relax. I can find comfort and peace now.
10.30.2009
Every Part of Me
Okay okay, so natually i would deny being a hannah montana fan. Because, well, im a seventeen-almost-eighteen year old girl. And as an adult, well i guess i shouldnt be a fan of her.
And while i do enjoy the show sometimes, i'd say that im more of a miley cyrus fan. First off, shes just seems to be an all around good person. 2nd- Shes beautiful, and has a wonderful style.
3rd- I love her music. (Not the hannah montana music people- the grown up, real life miley cyrus music..)
I just needed to straighten that out... Anyhow, once again, i was on the iPhone, but this time i was pandora-ing it up, while studying...and a miley cyrus came on...And well, it just explains me right now.. Here goes... =]
I feel like i'm a million miles away from myself, more and more these days.
Ive been down so many open roads, but they never lead me home.
And now i just dont know, who i really am.
How its gonna be, is there something that i cant see?
I wanna understand!
Maybe i will never be who i was before, maybe i dont even know her anymmore.
Maybe who i am today, aint so far from yesterday.
Can i find a way to be, every part of me?
So ill try to sort things out
and find myself, gotta get my feet back on the ground
it'll take time but i know i'll be alright
cause nothing much has changed on the inside
its hard to figure out how its gonna be
Cause i dont really know now
I wanna understand
Maybe i will never be who i was before
maybe i dont know her anymore
maybe who i am today, aint so far from yesterday
Can i find a way to be every part of me?
I dont wanna wait to long, to find out where i meant to belong
Ive always wanted to be where i am today, but id never thought id feel this way
And while i do enjoy the show sometimes, i'd say that im more of a miley cyrus fan. First off, shes just seems to be an all around good person. 2nd- Shes beautiful, and has a wonderful style.
3rd- I love her music. (Not the hannah montana music people- the grown up, real life miley cyrus music..)
I just needed to straighten that out... Anyhow, once again, i was on the iPhone, but this time i was pandora-ing it up, while studying...and a miley cyrus came on...And well, it just explains me right now.. Here goes... =]
I feel like i'm a million miles away from myself, more and more these days.
Ive been down so many open roads, but they never lead me home.
And now i just dont know, who i really am.
How its gonna be, is there something that i cant see?
I wanna understand!
Maybe i will never be who i was before, maybe i dont even know her anymmore.
Maybe who i am today, aint so far from yesterday.
Can i find a way to be, every part of me?
So ill try to sort things out
and find myself, gotta get my feet back on the ground
it'll take time but i know i'll be alright
cause nothing much has changed on the inside
its hard to figure out how its gonna be
Cause i dont really know now
I wanna understand
Maybe i will never be who i was before
maybe i dont know her anymore
maybe who i am today, aint so far from yesterday
Can i find a way to be every part of me?
I dont wanna wait to long, to find out where i meant to belong
Ive always wanted to be where i am today, but id never thought id feel this way
Maybe I will never be who I was before
Maybe I don't know her anymore,maybe who I am todayAin't so far from yesterday
Can I find a way to be Every part of me?
Cute! =]
10.25.2009
Over. Underneath. Inside. Inbetween.
So i was "youtubing" it up on my iphone, and came across this really beautiful song, a worship song in fact. And i fell completely in love with it,i was actually at peace just listening to the words...and the lyrics are just beautiful.
...I know i need you, i need to love you
I live to see you its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you is that so wrong?
Now you pull me near you,
When were close i fear you..
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that ive done
Are you done forgiving?
Oh can you look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what ive become
What have i become?
I hear you say;
"My love is over. It's underneath.
Its inside, its in between.
The times you doubt me, when you cant feel.
The times that you question "Is this for real?"
The times your broken, the times that you mend.
The times that you hate me, and the times that you bend.
Well my love is over, its underneath. Its inside, its inbetween.
These times your healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like your falling from grace
The times your hurting, The times that you heal
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
In times of confusion, and chaos, and pain.
Im there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
Im there though your heartache
I'm there in the storm, my love i will keep you, by my power alone.
I dont care where you fall, or where you have been
I'll never forsake you,my love never ends.
It never ends
=]]
One of those songs, that just makes everything else, just simply slip away.
Clears your mind, and gets you to focus, to see that you are loved so deeply, in between, inside, and underneath everything, you are still loved so much.
Its comforting to think that. To realize, you are special, not just to somebody, but to christ, and by god, you can beging to understand a love so vast.
=]
8.31.2009
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