Hap.pi.ness

I have learned that in the past few days that true happiness is important. I learned i can be vulnerable and comfortable. That you can really only help those that have the desire to help themselves.

I've been stressed lately, with school, finals, graduating, and my relationships.
I was taking to probably one of the best friends i have, about everything and she told me, that I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, and i should have that be my number one thing.
I struggled with this, as i didnt know wether or not it is better to stay unhappy to make somebody else happy, for to make your self happy when you really follow your heart. When you take the time to realize what you need, and how you can get that. When you let yourself understand that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some things just dont work out. Maybe, for some reason they just arent supposed to.
But i realized- I have to follow my heart, even though it hurts. Things are gonna be okay for me, and for you too.
You have to let people go, to help themselves. [[Be happy love.]]
You can't fix everything, no matter how much you want to.
But you can control your life, and how you go about it.
Happy or not.
Really dear,
The choice is yours.

I'm ready for change.
I'm ready for excitement.And joy.

I'm growing up, and realizing who i am.
=]

You have the perfect opportunity darling, take it.

My Aunt, Ovarian Cancer, and Life Lessons.

This weekend i took an emergency trip up to Northern California, to see my aunt for the last time, most likely. The whole trip in and of itself, has changed me, and taught me many things. I saw the beauty and love of family, gods perfect planning, and great amounts of support, all for one amazing lady.

When i first went into her hospital room, it just hurt me to see such effort put into breathing. I just stood there dressed in mask and gloves, for her protection, and i just prayed. For her, her family, but mostly that things change. I know that she will be going home, to God, and a wonderful heaven where she wont hurt anymore, but i am just filled with sadness and hurt for all of us in her family.

It hurt me to see her frail weak body, but knowing that she was once so strong, especially in her faith. Hearing her moan in pain, and sometimes trying to talk to somebody who was in the room. Watching the morphine drip into her system, to bring her comfort. But i think what hit me the most is that, sometimes you could see tears. I don't want to believe that she crying, but i do know that she was. She knows were there, and we all know she doesn't want to do this alone. She wants somebody to be in the room with her, somebody who knows her and loves her and wants to protect her. But now its simply out of our hands, its God, slowly calling her home. Thats the most comforting way to think about it.


In the waiting room, we talked about a lot of different things, sometimes trying to suppress the emotions, by watching nascar, or the football. sometimes we talked about Ruth, and what we remembered. licking her plates, always wanting to help or provide for other people, or the way that she has affected soo many different peoples lives. For me, her six, almost seven year battle with ovarian cancer, has inspired me the whole time. The great attitude she had, the desire that she to live, and spend time with her son husband and daughters.

She lived a life worth it.

We discussed funeral plans,details of the service, what she would have wanted, and how exactly we could honor everything that she wanted.

My uncle talked to us, while it was just my sisters and i in the room, talked about how amazing she was, family memories, but also, how we do indeed know where Ruth is going, there is no doubt about that. It just made me so excited, and i just cried. It still hurt to see her, but i know she is comforted by everybody's presence. He explained to us about her battle, encouraged us to know the facts, get tested, and follow up with our doctors. He knew it could be uncomfortable for us, but he appreciated us being there, and knew it was important but everybody to say their good-byes. He talked just to me, about trials in life, they are difficult, and uncomfortable. but they are important, and we have to overcome them, because the reward is later come. He told me life was hard, and unexpected things are gonna happen, when it does, embrace family, and spread love. My aunt and uncle are truly inspiring, I want to make a difference, like my aunt. I want to have that same strength she did. I want the content heart, and unfailing love of my uncle, because while he may be hurt, he still does and will do everything to respect love and honor his wife, till he joins her again.

Live a life worth it. Appreciate beauty. Give more then is needed. Love unconditionally. Invest, Care, And Make a Difference. Have Hope. Stand up for something. Have Passion. Praise God. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. Mostly, just love.<3



One woman out of every fifty-five (approximately 1.8%) will develop ovarian cancer some time in her life time.

In 2008, approximately 21,650 women will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Approximately 15,520 women will die of the disease.

Over 70% of all women with ovarian cancer will not be diagnosed until the disease has spread beyond the ovary. This is because the symptoms of early ovarian cancer are often vague and can mimic other common medical problems.

For the small number of women who are fortunate enough to have their cancer diagnosed before it has spread beyond the ovary, the chance for cure is 85 to 90%. However, for the majority of women in whom the disease has spread beyond the ovary, the chance of living for five years after the diagnosis is between 20 and 25%.

She was not diagnosed early enough, and sadly she will be one of the !5.520 women this year, that will lose their lives to this cancer. But all this does for me, is want to raise more awareness then i have done before. I want to make change. I want to make a difference.

Aunt Ruth, you are a indescribable woman, Thank you for teaching me these things.


Cancer is so limited,it cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope, it cannot destroy peace, it cannot kill friendship, it cannot suppress memories, it cannot silence courage. it cannot invade the soul, it cannot steal eternal life, it cannot conquer the spirt.

so confused..

Confusing stuff!!
Category: Blogging


I dont know if i can even write a blog that would make much sense at all, because quite frankly, i can't make sense of all this stuff in my head. Hence the blog.

Latley, i just feel as though, my life is a blur. Im happy, then sad, confused and all mixed up. Its like i have to remind myself to try to be happy, and that really sucks.

I know that i am an extremely blessed person, i have a family, a house, great friends, a job, and possesions, but in the midst of all that, somehow i can still feel so incredibly lonely. I am coming to accept that i do struggle with depression, and that kinda sucks, but as odd as it is, i see some beauty in it, it gives me a stronger desire to help people, and make things worth it.

I wonder if thats where i find my sense of worth?

I also, have come to realize, yet again that i am amazing at covering up pain,and personal suffering, yet i am so honest to my friends, and i wear my heart on my sleeve, but i wonder if that just makes me too vulnerable. I dont know what i was thinking when i thought being vulnerable was a beautiful thing, eighty percent of the time that i let myself be vulnerable, it always comes back to screw me over, it really just makes me want to put up such strong walls, because i dont want it to continue happening, but i am not really that type of person, im open, and i want people to appreciate that, apparently things that i think are good qualities, like open-ness, and brutal honesty, arent what people see as good, nor do they appreciate.

Which leads me to my desire for a new BF, i just want a real one. Not a jerk. Not somebody who i can temporarily satisfy til the 'next best thing' comes along, but somebody who accepts me, sees who i am, and still thinks im wonderful, somebody who knows i struggle with being happy, somebody i can dress up for and go out with late at night just to do nothing, somebody who can actually see me...Somebody with vaules, and morals. Somebody who cares, and wants to help people, and not somebody who says they are all these things, just because they want the girl....but a genuine person.

Maybe i'll be blessed with one of those soon.

=/

Nice ranting blog i suppose.

Nothing close to whats in my head, more blogs to come i guess.

[[actually thats a goal, to blog every day or so...i think it would actually be helpful for me.]]

Same ol'

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all





My mind is an effing rollercoaster, Its good, then it jst completley changes, and then keeps going round and round. But if i have realized anything, its that even still, i love daniel. I dont know if thats supposed to make me feel pathetic, or like a loyal person, i don't really know at all. But i love him, and thats what i feel. I admire him, and miss him. People can say what a ((fill in the blank)) person he is, but even still, i think of him as wonderul. And that sucks, cause somebody else is making him 'happy' right now. I dont know how hes feeling or anything like that, i'd like to think that me misses me and sometimes just thinks about me, and wants me or misses me., as much as i do him. I think he does. But i think hes 'preoccupied'.
Then i keep wishing that i could kinda be older...but, its all based on the unknows, and what good does that do me? He makes me happy. But at the same time i feel pretty crappy, because why, ohh of course.. theres another. I dont want to get into all of it though, Its way to much.
Ahh man, sometimes i just wish that there was something connected to my brain to just immediatley write what i think. I am starting a new journal. Because i do have to expericence this time in my life, and writing is always theraputic for me.Which means i should blog more.
Even if they dont all make sense.
Whatev


too bad its not that dang easy..

Jenna says i need to blog, as i havent in forever, so here goes. My attempt to understand things that are going on right now.

Holy Crap, life came out from behind me and showed me what its really like. My whole life, ive been wanting to grow up, measuring my life but what big events coming up,the age ill start middle school, high school, when i can date, drive, move out, etc. Pretty much, events where i can claim more freedom then i previously had. But now im at that age, and its crazy!!

Dont get me wrong, i wasnt just living for these things, i lived for each day, and i know not to wish my time away, but its so crazy, that i wanted this so bad, and now i feel akward about it. Im growing up. Its scary, beautiful, difficult, but rewarding. I love working and such, but it makes me think of a different day, when i could go anywhere at anytime! (im making myself sound so old!) but seriousley, its like all that happened, in how much time!! Dang.
But also, im wondering if im crazy, well not like psychotic crazy, but like oblivious to nature and wonder why i do things type of crazy.

Is it soo wrong to care about somebody so much, that you want things to go ahead. That you really do LOVE the person(like genuine love, even if its not including romance), so when you love them, you want them to be happy, to have what they want, you want whats best, even though of course you know its not always the best, but whatev.When all you want is that person to be the best that they can be, so you put their needs before your wants. Letting them have the space to become who they need to be, to live their life right. To learn what God has in store for them. So you have to push yourself out, because you do care and love them, you have to feel crappy sometimes, to give them what is best. Should you be honest and straightforward, and say heyy, heres the deal. This sucks. Or do you continue, because its whats 'right'. I have no idea. You want them to realize just how much you admire them, and that you care about them,you want them to realize everything they mean to you, what they have taught you, you want them to actually UNDERSTAND why you do those certain things for them. But nothing sucks more, then knowing that they most likely dont really notice it in that light.

Heres your chance to really know.

My whole life, i dont know, looking back on it, its amazing, so undescribable. But i think about the past, and take what i need from it, to help my future. Ive always heard the saying,
'If a boy makes you feel closer to god, to have a stronger desire to deepen your relationship with god, then its probably a god thing. Like a signal, saying this is okay'

Apparently realistically, this isnt true. I can say, this boy, hes amazing. And its not the boy himself that makes me feel closer to god, but the way that he lives his life, for god, and only for him. The way he takes the bad, and still lives the life he leads. So convicted for the life he ultimatley wants to live, and that makes me wonder why i havent felt that for so long? Was it my distancing my self? Was it a cover, to seem faithful, but in my head wonder about everything? That god really wanted me to become real, to delcare my own faith?

The past two weeks, ive felt so amazing. Like a 'spiritual high' almost. I have NEVER felt closer to god,my bible has never been used soo much, i never knew that i knew so many verses, and they constantly run through my head, as something to guide me through my day. To calm my fear, of giving up control to god. It helps me to know theres soo much that is bigger then me, and this life...well this is only the beginning. But anyhow, its not this boy alone, but life he leads. Now you may think, ohh she could just be saying that because she wants it to be 'right' or whatever. Or because i want to look good and spiritual, like a clean christan.

Pshh, nothing is father from the truth. I am pleased to say, i'm finally a hundred percent not ashamed of my faith,
im ready to defend it, not to look good, but to really live for god.

Just in the past two weeks, ive grown immensley. Its crazy, and im excited to see the rest of what gods got for me, although its scary to but all your trust in him, im learning, i have to. Itd be wrong to live to please 2 masters. =]]

Im happy now.


{Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better then yourselves.-Phillipians 2:3 }

Dont catch the ball..

Soo, danny borrowed this book from me, Dont sweat the small stuff-and its all small stuff.. and when he gave it back, it had nice little highlighted points in it..I never got around to reading them until just now..After reading about different outlooks on life and being patient, there was this part on not catching the ball, at first i was like what the heck!! But i am SOOO glad that danny highlighted that, ((he must know me pretty dang well)) but it seriousley hit me pretty hard!!




The last part i read, was about it somebody throws you a ball, you really dont have to catch it. you have the choice wether or not you want to. When your friends call you with their problems, most of us want to help them solve it..instead of just dropping the ball, and taking care of ourselves...Later, we then wonder why we are so stressed and irratated..that we are behind schedule,(because we had to spend that extra hour helping out so and so...) Thing is though, you didnt HAVE TO, you chose to take on that, or catch the ball. Doing this all the time though it makes it soo easy to lose sight of your willing participation in the dramas of your OWN life!!

Not catching the ball for your friend, doesnt mean you are a bad friend, or that you arent caring or sensitive and understanding..its just a matter of knowing your own limits, and taking responsibility in your own life, for your own problems..and staying true to helping yourself. You seriousley can't just sit there your whole life, and help everybody else when you are not even a whole person yourself, because you have no time to fix yourself..fix yourself!!! The same thing goes for getting sad over retarded crap..(something i do alot!!) you can decide if you want to catch that stupid comment or problem, and let it get you upset...or just let it go..and continue with your life..
I think most of us catch the ball, alot more then we think that we really do..and we never connect the fact that 'helping' others, may really be 'hurting' ourselves at the same time...Think about it!

Confused like me.

Ahh crap, I have never had my mind explode like it has been. Its all changes and choices, how my choices make me change. Its so extremely difficult, people tell me to do whats true to my heart, or to follow my heart, or do what I really want.



But all the same, I cant make a descion of my own, just me, with no influence, just me and my heart. Something, someone affects my choices, my everyday life. My future. Strange, but i feel like my brain is like a kalidescope, so beautiful, and so full of color, but one twist, and its all changed, different shapes, different reflections, a different point of view.


Its been great to be alone to think, but at the same time, i have never had a stronger desire to be close to someone, but thinking about it, what do i want? Like for reals, what do i really want? And what i do, is it for me, or for someone else. This growing up stuff is hard, and its not like theres cheat sheets or study guides either. But how awesome is that, the exploration of yourself, deep inside, where perhaps nobody knows you, maybe not even you.
Ive been realizing that i am dependent, no matter what i try, i rely on people to define how i feel, to an extent, i let them. I allow things, perhaps too much, i keep crap inside, i want somebody to ramble on and on to, and for them to find someway to make it funny, or remind me that i am still great!!



Ohh dear maybe i shouldnt be so reliant, but isnt that what relationships are, finding pure happiness in somebody. (other then you!!)



At this stage, i dont think romance is what i want, i think i want something like a best friend. A real one. That i can do anything with, and have no inclination or obligation to be romantic with them. I think its cause im scared of loosing my desire for what i really want, but if i do choose to date or whatever, what happens, how do i love them, when my goal is to be with somebody else when im 18? Is that fiar, quite honestly i think its shameful, but its crap like this that fills up my head. Dreams. Fear. Hope. And desire.

Someday..I'll understand. Maybe.

Oh dear, music makes my world go round. I wish there was like an ipod in my brain, that could play any song representing the ways that i feel. I love lyrics, its as if someone has felt EXACTLY what your feeling. I think thats AWESOME!! People say that i have a fantastic taste in music, because its all so varied.


The only reason i bring that up, is cause the last 2 days, music is whats getting me by. That and talking to 2 friends.My life has been shaken, and i dont know know to deal. I have so many unanswered questions, and a fear of the future. Maybe its a control thing, i want my life to go a certain way. I want to be with one certain peron, so i limit my options. And make choices that help to make 'my way' happen. The thought of fate makes me cringe. I hate the thought that everythings meant to happen for a reason, i agree with it a tad.But needless to say, i still hate it. I believe in God, and such, so i wonder if its a sin to limit your options. I guess you could call it 'ignorance'- cause in some twisted way, it kinda is. Its not being willing to do WHATEVER god calls you to do. I read in a book, that god died to save us,and we can choose to be saved or not, but even if we are, we are still left with the choice to actually LOVE god. The whole thing gets me confused. Life always does.

I always think that we can decided somewhat on the life that we have. We can choose to be happy, even if circumstances are crappy (even though most of us dont!!, we can choose what'll happen not by sitting on the couch, just letting lousy FATE take its toll, but rather but yourself out there to get the life you want. To acheive your goals. Fufill your dreams. Again it all comes down to choice. Because realistically, its not
{Whats meant to happen will always find its way}
but rather i believe
{You can make whatever you want happen!!} (if only we would try...)


I seem to be irratated with societies stupid sayings.When did it become the 'thing' to live your life by what people say, and how to do it. Live your own gosh dang life!! Make it how you want!!



I hate when people say to Give things time. Yes time tends to make you forget, move on, but time doesnt actually HEAL, you decide to be healed. But it seems all these sayings bring more questions into my life, I wonder how much time? Then what'll happen..? Why? What if? Etc.
Its cause i want control of my life. Im not really spontaneous when it comes to my overall life, i want it to be the way i have planned it. I hate changes...Cause that means my plan might not work..

Perhaps i should knock it off, let life be life. Cause this planning every aspect of my life right now crap, is making me sooo frustrated. But its hard, becasue i fear the unknown. And i hate unanswered questions.
Oh, dear!! I should keep myself occupied so i dont have time to think about all the confusing parts of life, and jsut make descions that i want!! Isnt that what we all try to, find ways to 'stop' life. With vacastions,drinking, drugs...To stop the stress,or pain that life brings.



The world is screwed up!!! How sad!!

Joys of Teenagers

All day i have been thinking of different random thoughts in my head. About wants and needs, how i feel such an urge toget out of my house as soon as possible. Then this line ran through my head-

"It's funny how I work,When you need be but don't want me, i'll be there, but when you want be but don't need me, i'll be gone"



Said by Nanny McPhee (Not too shabby of a movie i must say) no matter how unnatractive the woman is in that movie. Those words definitley got me thinking about college and movie off and way. While its a year away it feels like so much time, but then it doesnt feel quick enough, but more then that, it makes me think abouut the people in my life, as to wether or not i need them, or if i want them, or perhaps both.

I'm sure we all have our 'types' of people we prefer. Like me, gee whiz, i have a hard time tolerating people who lack common sense. I mean come on!!! But the people in my life, i like to think that i need them. But does that take away from my independence, im not really sure. But i know theres those people who were in your life, shared some memories, and your totally fine not talking with them again. One of those reason, season, or lifetime people you know.

But something weirder, today i was asked questions, that i didnt know how to answer. I answered but i dont know if its lying, or perhaps the frustrating inability to share the truth. Lest you be letting somebody know that you made a mistake, and that you were wrong at some point, showing your imperfection. But it wasnt any of that this time, believe me, it was just 'easier' to not get into it, like i said no, but mentally and in my heart, i totally meant YES! It makes me wonder if theres solid lines as to what lies and truth and such are, of it they are different to all, seen in different aspects, and thought upon differently...


I guess that goes to show, i want a degree in psychology. Maybe because knowing how other people think, can help me organize mine.
And i can help them too...Oh dear, part of my life is a blur right now, it seems im constanly making choices. Not anymore as to what do i want to be. But who? What do i want out of life? Where do i want to go to college ( I think ive got that one figured out) but all demands of life, are finally coming to my attention.




Oh, the joys of being a teenager... It's such a beautiful, messy, growing, make-or-break you experiences...

Change

change - verb, changed, chang·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)





1. to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone:




2. to become different:




3.to pass from one phase to another

I guess the real point I'm getting at is just going through changes, and finding the real meaning of what they all are. To be different then i was, and who i am going to be in the future, cause the way i see it, each day- even the simplest things, makes me a different person then i was the day before, heck, even the hour before. Change is a constant. My life is like a complete metamorphosis. But unlike butterflies, i wont get to see my end result, the beautiful me in the end. But that very statement, gives me the desire to make my self the most 'butterfly' that i can possibly be. Even though id have to spend most of my life, in an old ugly, cocoon, id be working on beauty, a project that takes nothing but time. Its confusing to me, because i feel like i am contradicting myself, I actually HATE change, at least that's what i used to think, i couldn't deal with my whole world just being turned upside down, but perhaps that's part of growth, of submerging yourself into a whole new world, but only if you accept it. Accept the changes, the good things and the bad things, of your enviorment.I read somewhere that change really impacts the human mind, to those who are fearful of change it is THREATENING, because that means that things may get worse. For those who are HOPEFUL, it means that things may get better, and for the CONFIDENT it is inspiring, because the challenge exsists to make things better. Maybe that's the hardest part, accepting what is really an inevitable part of life. You cant avoid change, for its always there. But perhaps change your mindset about change itself, and life would run smoother for you, that's something i can definitely agree with!!

I think pictures are so beautiful, its proof of change. Looking at a picture from an infant to a two year old, its miraculous, and beautiful, to count the sucesses, and see just how much that child has grown.

But whats shocking is when your see how much you've changed in just 6 months, the picture floods your head with memories, and reminds you of the you that you once were. And while you may be embarrassed by it, i seem to find the beauty of acceptance, and in the inner peace that changes bring.

Even thinking about 2 months ago, how i would never expected things that have happened, i know the way that i have handled all those things, makes me so much mature.

Its really just mind-blowing to thing of yourself, and all the ways that you are growing, its also nice to see the person that you want to be. And what you must to do get there.

"Learn to embrace change and you'll realize that life is in constant motion. And every change happens for a reason. When you see boundaries as opportunities, the world becomes a limitless place, and your life because a journey of change that always finds its way."