Confused like me.

Ahh crap, I have never had my mind explode like it has been. Its all changes and choices, how my choices make me change. Its so extremely difficult, people tell me to do whats true to my heart, or to follow my heart, or do what I really want.



But all the same, I cant make a descion of my own, just me, with no influence, just me and my heart. Something, someone affects my choices, my everyday life. My future. Strange, but i feel like my brain is like a kalidescope, so beautiful, and so full of color, but one twist, and its all changed, different shapes, different reflections, a different point of view.


Its been great to be alone to think, but at the same time, i have never had a stronger desire to be close to someone, but thinking about it, what do i want? Like for reals, what do i really want? And what i do, is it for me, or for someone else. This growing up stuff is hard, and its not like theres cheat sheets or study guides either. But how awesome is that, the exploration of yourself, deep inside, where perhaps nobody knows you, maybe not even you.
Ive been realizing that i am dependent, no matter what i try, i rely on people to define how i feel, to an extent, i let them. I allow things, perhaps too much, i keep crap inside, i want somebody to ramble on and on to, and for them to find someway to make it funny, or remind me that i am still great!!



Ohh dear maybe i shouldnt be so reliant, but isnt that what relationships are, finding pure happiness in somebody. (other then you!!)



At this stage, i dont think romance is what i want, i think i want something like a best friend. A real one. That i can do anything with, and have no inclination or obligation to be romantic with them. I think its cause im scared of loosing my desire for what i really want, but if i do choose to date or whatever, what happens, how do i love them, when my goal is to be with somebody else when im 18? Is that fiar, quite honestly i think its shameful, but its crap like this that fills up my head. Dreams. Fear. Hope. And desire.