Dont catch the ball..

Soo, danny borrowed this book from me, Dont sweat the small stuff-and its all small stuff.. and when he gave it back, it had nice little highlighted points in it..I never got around to reading them until just now..After reading about different outlooks on life and being patient, there was this part on not catching the ball, at first i was like what the heck!! But i am SOOO glad that danny highlighted that, ((he must know me pretty dang well)) but it seriousley hit me pretty hard!!




The last part i read, was about it somebody throws you a ball, you really dont have to catch it. you have the choice wether or not you want to. When your friends call you with their problems, most of us want to help them solve it..instead of just dropping the ball, and taking care of ourselves...Later, we then wonder why we are so stressed and irratated..that we are behind schedule,(because we had to spend that extra hour helping out so and so...) Thing is though, you didnt HAVE TO, you chose to take on that, or catch the ball. Doing this all the time though it makes it soo easy to lose sight of your willing participation in the dramas of your OWN life!!

Not catching the ball for your friend, doesnt mean you are a bad friend, or that you arent caring or sensitive and understanding..its just a matter of knowing your own limits, and taking responsibility in your own life, for your own problems..and staying true to helping yourself. You seriousley can't just sit there your whole life, and help everybody else when you are not even a whole person yourself, because you have no time to fix yourself..fix yourself!!! The same thing goes for getting sad over retarded crap..(something i do alot!!) you can decide if you want to catch that stupid comment or problem, and let it get you upset...or just let it go..and continue with your life..
I think most of us catch the ball, alot more then we think that we really do..and we never connect the fact that 'helping' others, may really be 'hurting' ourselves at the same time...Think about it!

Confused like me.

Ahh crap, I have never had my mind explode like it has been. Its all changes and choices, how my choices make me change. Its so extremely difficult, people tell me to do whats true to my heart, or to follow my heart, or do what I really want.



But all the same, I cant make a descion of my own, just me, with no influence, just me and my heart. Something, someone affects my choices, my everyday life. My future. Strange, but i feel like my brain is like a kalidescope, so beautiful, and so full of color, but one twist, and its all changed, different shapes, different reflections, a different point of view.


Its been great to be alone to think, but at the same time, i have never had a stronger desire to be close to someone, but thinking about it, what do i want? Like for reals, what do i really want? And what i do, is it for me, or for someone else. This growing up stuff is hard, and its not like theres cheat sheets or study guides either. But how awesome is that, the exploration of yourself, deep inside, where perhaps nobody knows you, maybe not even you.
Ive been realizing that i am dependent, no matter what i try, i rely on people to define how i feel, to an extent, i let them. I allow things, perhaps too much, i keep crap inside, i want somebody to ramble on and on to, and for them to find someway to make it funny, or remind me that i am still great!!



Ohh dear maybe i shouldnt be so reliant, but isnt that what relationships are, finding pure happiness in somebody. (other then you!!)



At this stage, i dont think romance is what i want, i think i want something like a best friend. A real one. That i can do anything with, and have no inclination or obligation to be romantic with them. I think its cause im scared of loosing my desire for what i really want, but if i do choose to date or whatever, what happens, how do i love them, when my goal is to be with somebody else when im 18? Is that fiar, quite honestly i think its shameful, but its crap like this that fills up my head. Dreams. Fear. Hope. And desire.

Someday..I'll understand. Maybe.

Oh dear, music makes my world go round. I wish there was like an ipod in my brain, that could play any song representing the ways that i feel. I love lyrics, its as if someone has felt EXACTLY what your feeling. I think thats AWESOME!! People say that i have a fantastic taste in music, because its all so varied.


The only reason i bring that up, is cause the last 2 days, music is whats getting me by. That and talking to 2 friends.My life has been shaken, and i dont know know to deal. I have so many unanswered questions, and a fear of the future. Maybe its a control thing, i want my life to go a certain way. I want to be with one certain peron, so i limit my options. And make choices that help to make 'my way' happen. The thought of fate makes me cringe. I hate the thought that everythings meant to happen for a reason, i agree with it a tad.But needless to say, i still hate it. I believe in God, and such, so i wonder if its a sin to limit your options. I guess you could call it 'ignorance'- cause in some twisted way, it kinda is. Its not being willing to do WHATEVER god calls you to do. I read in a book, that god died to save us,and we can choose to be saved or not, but even if we are, we are still left with the choice to actually LOVE god. The whole thing gets me confused. Life always does.

I always think that we can decided somewhat on the life that we have. We can choose to be happy, even if circumstances are crappy (even though most of us dont!!, we can choose what'll happen not by sitting on the couch, just letting lousy FATE take its toll, but rather but yourself out there to get the life you want. To acheive your goals. Fufill your dreams. Again it all comes down to choice. Because realistically, its not
{Whats meant to happen will always find its way}
but rather i believe
{You can make whatever you want happen!!} (if only we would try...)


I seem to be irratated with societies stupid sayings.When did it become the 'thing' to live your life by what people say, and how to do it. Live your own gosh dang life!! Make it how you want!!



I hate when people say to Give things time. Yes time tends to make you forget, move on, but time doesnt actually HEAL, you decide to be healed. But it seems all these sayings bring more questions into my life, I wonder how much time? Then what'll happen..? Why? What if? Etc.
Its cause i want control of my life. Im not really spontaneous when it comes to my overall life, i want it to be the way i have planned it. I hate changes...Cause that means my plan might not work..

Perhaps i should knock it off, let life be life. Cause this planning every aspect of my life right now crap, is making me sooo frustrated. But its hard, becasue i fear the unknown. And i hate unanswered questions.
Oh, dear!! I should keep myself occupied so i dont have time to think about all the confusing parts of life, and jsut make descions that i want!! Isnt that what we all try to, find ways to 'stop' life. With vacastions,drinking, drugs...To stop the stress,or pain that life brings.



The world is screwed up!!! How sad!!

Joys of Teenagers

All day i have been thinking of different random thoughts in my head. About wants and needs, how i feel such an urge toget out of my house as soon as possible. Then this line ran through my head-

"It's funny how I work,When you need be but don't want me, i'll be there, but when you want be but don't need me, i'll be gone"



Said by Nanny McPhee (Not too shabby of a movie i must say) no matter how unnatractive the woman is in that movie. Those words definitley got me thinking about college and movie off and way. While its a year away it feels like so much time, but then it doesnt feel quick enough, but more then that, it makes me think abouut the people in my life, as to wether or not i need them, or if i want them, or perhaps both.

I'm sure we all have our 'types' of people we prefer. Like me, gee whiz, i have a hard time tolerating people who lack common sense. I mean come on!!! But the people in my life, i like to think that i need them. But does that take away from my independence, im not really sure. But i know theres those people who were in your life, shared some memories, and your totally fine not talking with them again. One of those reason, season, or lifetime people you know.

But something weirder, today i was asked questions, that i didnt know how to answer. I answered but i dont know if its lying, or perhaps the frustrating inability to share the truth. Lest you be letting somebody know that you made a mistake, and that you were wrong at some point, showing your imperfection. But it wasnt any of that this time, believe me, it was just 'easier' to not get into it, like i said no, but mentally and in my heart, i totally meant YES! It makes me wonder if theres solid lines as to what lies and truth and such are, of it they are different to all, seen in different aspects, and thought upon differently...


I guess that goes to show, i want a degree in psychology. Maybe because knowing how other people think, can help me organize mine.
And i can help them too...Oh dear, part of my life is a blur right now, it seems im constanly making choices. Not anymore as to what do i want to be. But who? What do i want out of life? Where do i want to go to college ( I think ive got that one figured out) but all demands of life, are finally coming to my attention.




Oh, the joys of being a teenager... It's such a beautiful, messy, growing, make-or-break you experiences...